balance through change
I envision my daily grind being a straight dirt road into the sunset, a highway in the prairies, a long stretch of beach, you know.. very linear, and when Friday night rolls around its like coming to a 3-way stop. Turn left and I drive straight to my parents, hug them and have supper then proceed to fall asleep on the couch at 7pm all weekend. Turn right and I'm at the bottom of my favourite bottle of red wine or I'm waist deep in my 4th double Mr.Tea from Central and I ride my bike home at 2am..................so yaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm either walking on coals or freezing in the arctic. firing it up like my 19 year old self or a knitting socks like a gramma. on the moon or in the magma of the earth. I either have pogo sticks under my feet or I'm so far in sleep debt I can't feel my face when I wake up. you get the point. it seems there is no middle ground these days. also this is funny ----->
hokay, now we need to back up. general comments about things that have/haven't changed over the past few months of summer: First of all, where did this summer go? actually though, its freezing at 5am.. and dark. SO, things that haven't changed: my love for hugs and naps, how awesome my job is, actually that has changed - its gotten 1000% more fun // awesome, and my epic lust for sweating. Things that have changed: my eye lashes have gotten longer, I moved into my own place, I became a lululemon ambassador - shoutout to the Bernard crew always keeping it 100 - I ride my bike more, which consequently has enabled me to drink more wine.. but most important of all of the things - I've stopped doing stuff that I don't want to do. I've consciously made the decision to only do things I want to do. this may seem like a k whatever roz no one cares moment but, keep reading.
I've owned the fact it's a giant waste of time and energy doing things I don't wanna do. I found myself doing things I didn't really care to do for reasons that I didn't care even more about. If I wanna nap, I nap. If I wanna workout, go to yoga or spin, or all 3, I do that. If I want to start writing a blog and let it sit in my drafts for like 8 days, then I'm obviously going to do that.........
As soon as I stopped doing the things I don't want to do, untameable things have taken place:
I appreciate the humans around me way more. straight UP. when I let go of the shit that isn't helping me be present it frees up more space for me to be present with the people in my life and love more fully. I then enjoy my time more and am happier... shocker right?
I fear less. I don't shy away from challenges. namely when Logan Gray tells me to turn it up at spin.. but also completing my first triathlon and half marathon. 100% did not train. I just wanted to do it so I did. I also more clearly recognize the challenges in my day to day life are things that I can learn from and then grow from.. and then fall face first, get back up and grow again and do that over and over again. isn't that what this life is all about? challenges can be fun, and can sometimes really fucking scare me/make me anxious/awkward and nervous.. isn't that what its also all about? jury is still out on that one.
I'm less reactive and way more go with the flow. this has always been my work. I'm constantly letting go of being that person who has to make the plan and know exactly what's going to happen and when and for how long and at what time and where and who's gonna be there and what should I bring blah blah womppp. The Planners will feel me on this one. It's hard. oh my, it is so hard. Because when you believe something for so long ("I'm a Planner") and then you get a little taste of what life can be like on the other side of that belief ("OMG I feel so free") you actually thrive instead of just survive. its magic. but it takes some courage. a lot of courage.. A LOT. you have to trust that everything will work out and if it doesn't then you have to re-trust that you have the tools to deal. I've also learned it will continue to not work out until it's ready to be worked out.. in due time, patience young grasshopper.
I let my creative juices ooze. I've found more ways to get inspired and share that with the people I get the opportunity to work with! this usually comes in the form of sweating by myself or with a close crew of OG's.
I trust my intuitive voice and stopped trying to convince myself of anything other than my truth. I stopped listening to people telling me what I SHOULD do, I will learn what I should do on my own time. [my mom probly just laughed at this and said yeeup that's my kid, you can't tell her anything haha!]
I am unapologetically myself. I've stopped saying sorry so much, I own my weirdness. I am constantly detaching from who I think I have to be and am standing tall in the really big shoes of who I want to be. that will echo more loudly than anything.
now is where you wonder how I go from talking about how wildly unbalanced my life is to the things that have changed over the last while. balance through change. before the summer I had to be all messy and crazed to figure out the things to feel more balanced. and now that I've learned the things, my life is all bonkers again - things have changed again - cue messy and crazed again. this is a lesson I'll learn 1000 times over - balance is something you can never ever achieve or arrive at, but something you're trying to experience and feel good about. things are going to change. always. balance is a continuum, a spectrum, a scale and it goes back and forth, up and down, left and right and sideways. it's not linear like the straight stretch highway visual of my grind. some things won't change. but then they will. the balance continuum will then be a bunch of scribbles and chicken scratch and then you'll pull it together and finger it out again and again! you always do.
life has to be wild before it can feel whole.
always with more love than you think,